The following is the original ending to Harry Potter and the prisoner of Azkabhan, Formerly edited out by censors, recent research has brought this dusty relic into the light.
----------------------------
"STATICARIUM!", Hermione screamed. But it was no use. Harry edged forward with eyes that were blacker than Voldemorts nutsack. "Spelliramus" he sniggered, as he pulled out the pinkest wand Hermione had ever seen.
Hermione didn't want this. She had vowed herself against the pleasures of the flesh ever since her fresher's week frollocks had left her with a nasty spate of hogwarts.
"Stop it, you're drunk! You've been drinking butterbeer again. You're crazy."
We're all crazy!" he frothed with a manic cackle, as he removed his sweaty spectacles, and wiped white powdery traces of Bertie Botts from his nostrils.
"RON! RON! HELP ME!" She yelled and yelled until her bile spluttered from her lips like the Giant Purple Toadspawn. He slicked closer and closer, until Hermione could smell his nicotine stained fingernails. His hot, oily breathe oozed over her delicate skin. But then… he stopped. He was silent. The air hung heavy, thick, and polluted. And, just then, when she thought it was all over, Harry did something unexpected.
"RON! RON!" he roared, "HELP HER!" Hermione was stunned. Had he come to his senses? Had the effects of the firewhisky finally smouldered? He inhaled one long, sickly breath, before whispering;
"Weasley can't help you now… bitch…"
"Yes he can! He'll be back from Quidditch any second! You wait! He'll handle this situation, once and for all!"
"HANDLE?!!!" bellowed Harry. He bent over double in gullet-bubbling guffaws. "HANDLE?" Hermione didn't understand. "I'LL SHOW YOU HANDLE!". And with that he shot a beam of light across the room. A wardrobe door flew open and out poured… something. Something terrible...
"RON!" she screamed.
It was Weasley. His face had been bludgeoned into a ginger mush with a Quaffle. Out of his broken mouth poked the splintered handle of a Nimbus 5000.
"He certainly HANDLED that...", Harry giggled.
Hermione's face turned whiter than Draco Malfoy's penis. And, with that, Harry stepped forward…
